I’ve been thinking lately that there are times in our lives when we need to say more ‘yes’ and times in our lives when we need to say more ‘no.’ How do we identify when those times are? What are the signs that we might need to practice more of one or the other? And how do we go about doing that? What are the skills involved in gracefully and graciously saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’? How do we do this from a place of compassion and detachment – the good kind – rather than resentment and reactivity?
Let’s dive in and explore! (This would be a moment to say ‘yes!’ Ha ha!)
Which is it, ‘yes’ or ‘no’?
It’s likely that each of us has a default tendency toward ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ and I suspect that this may change at different stages of our lives. For example, during periods of exploration and yearning for growth, we are more likely to lean toward ‘yes’ and the resulting adventures, stimulation, and new experiences this stance in the world naturally yields. Likewise, during periods of self-protection, lying fallow (as a good friend of mine so aptly calls it), or nesting, we may lean toward ‘no’ and the feeling of safety, calm, and stability it allows us as we hunker down.
Pause for a moment to take stock of your own current life circumstances. Are you in a place right now of generally saying ‘yes’ or saying ‘no’? Once you have a sense of your stance, reflect on how this feels for you. Does it feel right, or are you starting to itch for something different?
Let’s examine both leanings.
Being in ‘no’
What does it feel like to be in ‘no’?
For insight, let’s take a look at the extreme example – demand resistance – for clues. Mallinger and DeWyze, authors of Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control, define “demand resistance” as a chronic and automatic negative response to demands, real or perceived, internal or external. At its extreme, this can turn into self-sabotaging, knee-jerk rebellious, and defensive behavior. Before reaching that extreme, however, the idea of a “chronic and automatic negative response” can feel pretty familiar to anyone who’s wrapped a cocoon around themselves at any point in their life.
As Todd Henry, author of Die Empty and The Accidental Creative observes, “Unfortunately, ‘No’ can be more than just a word, it can also be a lifestyle.” He posits that this ‘no’-leaning stance may come about as a result of several possible factors:
- fear of harm
- a desire to protect our identity by maintaining a mask of invulnerability rather than risking failure
- love of comfort
- a desire for control
- a desire to protect someone or something we love
Any one of these is a valid and understandable reason to tend toward ‘no.’ That is, until we start to feel trapped in it. Bored, restless, anxious, depressed – whatever signs or symptoms we find ourselves exhibiting, there comes a moment when we realize that the truth of the Elizabeth Appell quote “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” is undeniable.
Finding your ‘yes’
If you’ve been in a place of saying ‘no,’ breaking the habit can be scary. If part of what holds you back is worry, then ‘no’ can feel safe and secure, since you’re avoiding all the possible outcomes that crowd into your brain when you consider being vulnerable or trying something new. (Author Rudri Patel wrote a lovely essay on this topic.)
‘No’ is easy. You don’t have to move or change a thing. ‘Yes,’ on the other hand, takes some effort and some getting used to. It requires practice. And yet, it can be so worth it. As Google’s executive chairman Eric Schmidt stated in his May 2012 UC Berkeley commencement speech:
“Find a way to say yes to things. Say yes to invitations to a new country. Say yes to meeting new friends. Say yes to learning a new language, picking up a new sport. Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job. Yes is how you find your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it’s a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means you will do something new, meet someone new and make a difference in your life, and likely in others’ lives as well. … Yes is a tiny word that can do big things. Say it often.”
Being in ‘yes’
What if you’ve been in a place of too much ‘yes’? This is a common issue for women especially, who often feel strong cultural pressures to appear ‘caring’ and ‘nice,’ and as a result take on an overload of obligations and activities that leave little room for themselves. Wanting to appear ‘considerate’ and ‘helpful’ can translate directly into a reluctance to say no for fear of appearing ‘callous’ or ‘selfish.’ As Jane Collingwood observes in her article Learning to Say No, people who have trouble saying ‘no’ may also have “a fear of letting other people down. On top of this may be a fear of being disliked, criticized, or risking a friendship.”
There’s also another flavor of ‘yes’ that can happen with people (like myself) who have a tendency to have a lot of energy, enthusiasm, and interests. The world is a gigantic candy shop, and we are greedy children let loose within its walls. We gorge ourselves on all the world has to offer, saying ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ with abundant zeal and then find ourselves wondering where our stretches of time to ourselves and our precious moments of quietude disappeared to.
Finding your ‘no’
When we find ourselves in a place of too much ‘yes,’ for whatever reason, it is necessary to remember (or learn) how to say ‘no,’ and then to practice this skill. Jane Collingswood, in her article mentioned above, shares some top tips for saying no, which include keeping your response simple and not over-apologizing. As she observes, “Remember, you’re not asking permission to say no.” She recommends interrupting “the ‘yes’ cycle, using phrases like ‘I’ll get right back to you,’” which allows you to pause and consider your options. I once heard Brené Brown speak at a live event, and she shared a lovely phrase along the lines of “No, I can’t do that, but here’s what I can do,” which is especially useful when you want to participate or show support, but not to the extent or in the way that’s been requested of you.
For those of us with a deep enthusiasm for life’s adventures who are longing for a stretch of tranquility and contemplative time to ourselves, sometimes what’s required is nothing more complicated than self-restraint (which can be difficult because it means admitting to yourself that you don’t have boundless time or energy, but that’s another blog post!). For example, I recently decided that I would not initiate any outings, get-togethers, or activities for at least two months, and that I would pause and reflect on my desire for quietude before responding to invitations from others. My current goal is to actively carve out stretches of unstructured time for myself in which to be contemplative and agenda-less.
Pausing to honor one’s own priorities and decisions is a daily practice, just like any other form of self-awareness.
‘Yes’ or ‘no’? How to know which to say and when
In wrapping up this contemplation, I bring us back full circle to the beginning. If we accept the premise that there are times in our lives when we need to say more ‘yes’ and times in our lives when we need to say more ‘no,’ then how do we identify when those times are? What are the signs that we might need to practice more of one or the other?
I mentioned feeling an itch for something different, but that’s just what it typically feels like to me. I start noticing myself longing for whatever it is my soul is craving, whether that’s novelty and adventure or solitude and stillness. For instance, lately I’ve found myself craving time in the woods and being very attracted to the image of a cozy chair and ottoman and a pile of intriguing books. At times when I’ve been in stillness for too long, it starts with stirrings of interest in topics I hear about or projects and activities I start picturing myself engaged in. Whatever I find myself imagining with pleasure is usually a good indicator of the direction into which I should lean next.
How about you? What are your signs that you are ready for a shift in one direction or the other, toward more ‘yes’ or more ‘no’? And how do you honor that in yourself when you notice it happening?
